How to Fail Muffins in Five Easy Steps

Posted by Emelie

From a real-life experience that happened in my kitchen with one of my closest friends. I submitted this for an informal essay assignment.

Observe. It is the box. Within this cardboard creation lies the secrets of cooking- the wondrous ingredients of unparalleled food. Behold. It contains baking mix, strudel, cinnamon swirl mix, and a crowning glory of glaze. This is the Cinnabon Muffin Make-Them-At-Home! Box of Mixes.

Now to make these little beauties is not hard. Only follow these five easy and highly effective steps. They are presented in sequential order. Take note that these steps may differ slightly from those found on the back of the box. However, these steps are the result of my personal experience.

Step 1- Read the recipe on the back on the box. Decide you need the baking mix. Reach into the box. Select the first random packet you can grasp. Empty into a large mixing bowl. Add milk and butter; mix until incorporated (batter will be lumpy). Afterwards, contemplate how thin and soupy the batter looks. Deduct that it is certainly not possible to make eighteen muffins out of this watery little puddle.

Step 2- Re-read the recipe. Decide that you probably did it right. Search in the box for the cinnamon swirl mix. Pull it out and realize with a shock of horror that it looks just like the “baking mix” that you just put into the bowl. Dump out the contents of the box onto the counter. Find the real baking mix at the bottom. Add the baking mix to the soup you created, mix well.

Step 3- Add cinnamon swirl mix. Stir seven times- do not incorporate. Study the thick dough you just made. Add a little bit of water to thin it out- mix in while desperately trying to not incorporate the cinnamon swirl mix too much. Be mildly surprised that the batter actually looks ok.

Step 4- Pour the batter into the liberally greased muffin cups. Hunt through the pile of mix packets to find the strudel topping. Fail in finding it. Realize that you original hypothesis has been disproved. You didn’t put in an extra pack of course, decently thick cinnamon mix instead of the baking mix. You put in the thin, crumbly strudel. That accounts for the soup at the beginning of the process. Decide and realize that the only thing to do is leave the muffins as they are, sans strudel on the top.

Step 5- Put the muffins into the oven, preheated to 350°. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until the muffin tops resemble volcanoes with lava running profusely out of them. Remove from oven, let cool until your patience evaporates. Remove from muffin pan. Admire the mushroom-cloud shape. Drizzle with glaze. Enjoy!*

*Enjoyment may be hampered by the contemplation of how many calories and chemicals you are consuming.